- [Attica] Interview commenced at three p.m.
on Wednesday the 12th of March in Meeting Room four.
Please state your names. - Sure, I'm Marcus Gallo.
- Jason Vindici.
Fifirumie.
- DS Attica Mars conducting,
also present is Officer Leo Vedrix.
So boys, I've invited you here today
in connection with a missing persons investigation.
- Don't you mean missing people?
- [Attica] Excuse me?
- Well, the plural of person is people,
but you just said persons.
- I know, that's just what we say.
- Ha, interesting, why is that?
- We just do, look, can we not get bogged down?
- Have you got any snacks?
- No.
So the missing person is Daedalus Greco,
Head of Archaeology at the Ancient History Museum,
disappeared 48 hours ago as did his vehicle.
I wondered if you knew anything about it?
- No, never heard of him.
No, you wouldn't catch us at a museum anyway,
we hate, you know the past
and being told not to touch stuff.
- Yeah.
- Right, well that's odd, because the last names
in his appointments book appear to be yours three days ago.
- That Daedalus Greco, yes.
That's right, we did meet him
at the Ancient History Museum, remember?
- Oh, the Ancient History Museum,
I thought you said the History Museum,
yeah, yeah, we went there.
- Right, I can see this is gonna take a while,
you might as well make yourselves comfortable.
- I'm all over it, babe.
Now, how about them snacks?
Maw
# When in Rome, do as the Romans do #
# Far from home, all I got is you #
- Maybe start by telling me
about the day you met Professor Greco.
- Well, it started off like any other really.
I rolled cut of bed, had a stretch, had a scratch
and then headed to the bar for me morning poo.
- Yeah, I don't need to hear about that.
- You do actually, this weren't any old poo,
this one was highly unusual.
I've just had a highly unusual poo.
- Oh, we don't need to hear about that.
- Unusual how, was it green, did it come out pebbly?
- It was neither the shade nor the shape
that were unusual this time,
it's what I found while I was doing it.
- Ooh, a lady's brooch.
- And in the Gents, highly unusual.
- Huh, maybe I can give it to Gloria
and pretend that I bought it. - Piss off, finders keepers,
I'm gonna use it to jazz up me tunic.
- Gloria's not gonna want that anyway, is she?
Look, it's all knackered and covered in dirt,
ugh, that is dirt, isn't it?
- Yeah, from where I dug it up.
W... Mm mm
- 'Cause it was wedged in the ground, it's buried treasure.
- Is it?
Give it here, maybe it's worth something.
- As if, it's well old. - Yeah, exactly,
it might be antique, we should go get it valued.
- What happened to giving it to Gloria?
- Oh yeah, fuck that obviously.
- And what happened to finders keepers more to the point?
- Yeah, that's not a legally binding phrase, Grumio.
- He is right about that,
I don't see why you should get it either.
- Well, I own the bar where it was found and I also own him.
- You own, sorry, this is your slave?
The guy stuffing his face with his feet on the table?
- I'm not saying he's a good slave.
- So in the end we agreed to split the brooch 50/50.
- And then 50/50/50, 'cause I own the bar too.
- So that's when we went to see your geeky boffin.
- Extraordinary and you spotted this in the toilet, you say?
- It's where I do me best work.
- Well, I can confirm it's an Etruscan Filigree brooch,
originally part of a set, exquisitely made, extremely rare.
- Rare as in valuable?
- Of course, it's over 700 years old,
from an academic perspective, it's absolutely priceless.
- Great, wow, that is old
and how about from a money perspective?
'Nam.
Of course it would be worth far more
if it was reunited with the other items of the set,
they were grave goods, you see, offerings to the afterlife.
You don't know if there's a burial tomb under your toilet,
I take it?
- It does smell like there might be.
- Oh. - I could have a poke around
next time I'm having a clear out.
- Quite, or if you'd prefer a more professional approach,
I could arrange a dig for you with trained archaeologists.
- Really, that'd be great, yes please.
- And any artefacts uncovered would be split
between yourselves and the museum 50/50.
- Yeah, no, that's not ideal,
'cause we're already splitting it 50/50/50,
so we can't split it 50/50/50/50, that's not gonna work.
- Not mathematically, no.
- I think we'll just do it ourselves, thanks.
- You most certainly will not,
the city doesn't allow amateurs
to conduct excavations without a licence,
you'd be arrested and imprisoned.
- I see, and where do we get a licence from?
- Me, so would you like my help or not, what do you say?
- And what did you say?
- We said "no thank you"
we didn't want him digging up our bar,
making a mess of the place.
- And you didn't begin your own unlicensed dig?
- What, absolutely not, no, that'd have been illegal
and that's not us, no way.
- We forgot all about it
and went back to our bland, law abiding lives.
(cheerful music)
Okay, look for stuff to dig with.
I can ladle up some earth, I guess.
- Big time, bagsy spatula. - I'll have the whisk.
- What are you gonna do with a whisk?
- Make a pancake obviously,
I'm not digging on an empty stomach.
- And is it just you three then that work in the bar?
- Yep,just us. - And Aurelius.
- Aurelius?
- Don't worry about him, he's irrelevant.
- And a knob head.
- He's an irrelevant knob head, yeah,
and he wasn't even there that night, so.
- No, ah, stop it!
Stop trying to grab my bell.
- It's closing time,just ring it.
- Not yet it's not, there's at least 4O minutes to go.
- UM need these skraqqwyqees
to drink up and leave though.
- Amazing, the one time you actually get customers
and you want to close early, worst businessman ever.
- Wrong actually, I'm planning something pretty huge.
- Oh yeah, what's that, putting your feet up
and necking all your stock?
Really
- No, we're doing a secret dig for buried treasure,
so we can't have punters here in case they dob us in,
so uh, yeah, it is pretty clever actually, in your face.
- So hang on, could I dob you in?
- He can head home, if you want, buddy
as a reward for your hard work, we'll close up.
- Nice try, buddy, but you can't get rid of me that easily,
I know all about your little dig
and I want a cut of what you find or I'm telling.
- Oh, fine, but that is it now, just the four of us,
we cannot have anyone else getting in on this.
- Fine by me.
- Hit it then, bell boy.
(bell ringing) - Time gentlemen, please!
Down your drinks and up the stairs!
Mm.
- Now I think about it,
Aurelius wasn't even in that whole week.
- Is this gonna take much longer?
- Why, somewhere you'd rather be?
- No, I'm clean out of biccies,
I need more if we're pushing on.
- How have you scoffed them already?
- I know, welcome to my world. - They were only diddy,
go on, fetch us some more, you big rneanie.
- They weren't free, mate, I bought them from the canteen
with my own money, 'cause I'm so bloody nice.
If you want more, you can pay for them yourself.
- Fine, Marcus, you heard the lady, give her some cash.
(sighing)
- Another pack of biscuits, Vedrix.
- This time maybe some with nuts in or raisins,
in fact you know what, Vedrix, surprise me.
(cheerful ska music)
So I was sitting here?
Considering what to have with me brekkie, when I,
(mm!)
- Oh no, Grumio, when I said reenact what happened,
I did not mean all of it.
- Sorry, it's muscle memory, the brooch were over there.
- Oh, gross out!
Is he genuinely peeing in front of us?
- It's fine, ignore him, let's dig.
- Well hang on, we need to establish some ground rules.
- Ooh, bonus, an old coin.
- Oi, that's not fair, you can't just pocket stuff,
Marcus, tell him. - He is right,
this is why we need rules.
One, we declare everything we find,
two, we dig in pairs to avoid accusations of snaffling
and three, we put everything
on a designated finds table in the bar.
Thank you, let the dig commence.
(cheerful ska music)
- Okay, well, this isn't gonna work.
- This soil is hard as dicks,
it's gonna take months with this stuff.
- We don't have months,
we've got precisely until opening time tomorrow morning.
- Well, I suggest we get hold of some big boy tools pronto.
- Right, you know some big boy tool shops, do you,
that are open at midnight?
- There is somewhere I can try, yeah
just as soon as I've wrapped this up.
(mm!)
- Oh.
- Does the name Ambrosius Bubo mean anything to you?
- No, but it probably means a lifetime of bullying for him,
whoever he is.
- He's a significant player in the Roman underworld,
a convicted smuggler, drug dealer, kidnapper and a pimp,
from your home address I see he's also your landlord.
- Landlord, really?
- What's his name, Ambrose what?
Ambresius Bubs.
- That is awesome, thank you for telling us that,
he's gonna be well cheesed off
when we pull that out the bag.
- You're friends with this well known felon then, are you?
- No, no, we barely know him,
only see him to hand over the rent really.
- We don't know his name and he doesn't know ours.
- Oh, salve, Grumio.
- Alright, Landlord, bit of a favour to ask.
- Oh yeah, what you got?
- We need some big boy digging tools and we need 'em now.
- Oh, emergency burial, is it?
I offer a full clean up and alibi service
for a mere 500 dennies.
- What, no, nothing like that,
it's more of an emergency unburial,
see, it turns out the bar is a bit of a goldmine.
- Result, well, I'll happily provide
my specialist gardening gear in that case.
- Magic, I knew you'd help out.
- For a share of the spoils obviously.
- Ooh, 'cause we're already splitting it four ways
and Marcus doesn't want it going up to five.
- Oh, it won't, it's going up to six.
Mam
- Well, you can't have my specialist gardening gear
without my specialist gardener, can you?
Mum, grab your tools, we're going on a treasure hunt.
K heating)
- Hm.
(cheerful ska music)
- Your biscuits, ginger chunks this time.
- Oh, Vedrix, you're spoiling us.
- So I have three more questions and then you can go,
how does that sound? - That sounds great.
Is that one of them? - No, it's not.
Firstly can you confirm that your meeting
with Professor Greco at the museum
was the last time you saw him?
- We can indeed, yes.
- Secondly do you categorically deny
you began an unlicensed dig in your bar?
- Categorically and unequivocally.
- In which case, lastly could you tell me
mm EMF-WWW
there was an old Sulla denarius from 6O years ago
coated with fresh, slightly faecal mud?
- You sly bastard,
you said put everything on the finds table.
- Oh.
- I mean, hm.
- I might need to keep you boys a little longer,
my list of questions has just grown.
- You take as long as you like, love.
(cheerful ska music)
Oh.
- So let me get this straight,
you found an antique brooch in the ground,
showed it to Professor Greco at the museum,
went back to the bar, where you did start
an archaeological dig in the toilets?
- Which sort of spread to the main area, yeah, we did,
but and this is a fairly big but,
the dig very quickly stopped being archaeological
and became more architectural.
= mum?
- That is quite a hole you dug there, Landlady.
- Yeah, well, you don't get petunias like mine
without a bit of elbow grease.
- Oh, I found a spoon, look, do you think it's Truscan?
- I suspect it's the one from the kitchen
I was using to dig with, so no.
- Hm, I'll put it on the finds table anyway.
- Right, so far tonight we have found a button,
some bits of plate, a dead rat and one of our own spoons,
it's not an amazing haul, it must be said.
- No, more of a fuck haul. - Hm.
- This old brooch is rather nice, mind.
- I've had better digs up me nostril.
(metal clanging) - Hello.
Hello, there's something down here!
- Ooh, that does sound different.
- [Grumio] It's like a lid for summat.
- The tomb, the professor mentioned a tomb.
- Yeah, sure, why not? - Treasure!
We found the bloody treasure!
(Wm)
- Yes! - Oh, thank Jove for that,
I was getting bored out of me tits.
- Come on, crack it open then, Landlady, let's get stuck in.
- Here son, pass me the Widow Maker.
Stand back everybody, this thing is bloody pointy.
- Ancient Etruscan gods, whatever ye be called,
we pray unto you this day to make us fucking minted.
(m - Argh! etal changing)
(all expressing surprise)
(cheerful ska music)
Now that is a sewage pipe.
- Hm.
- Ugh!
- You idiots. - Yes, obviously.
But we bunged the pipe up with a dead rat and a tea towel.
- So you fixed it? - Sort of in the bar anyway.
- And I come in this morning, I find the soil pipe
pumping liquid faeces all over the folded laundry.
- Oh no, that is bad luck.
- Oh, it's luck, is it?
It's luck the pipe suddenly burst?
- What, why would you think this had anything to do with me?
- Oh, let's see, shall we?
You're never usually in this early,
there were banging noises coming from the bar all night
and your hands are covered in shit.
Call it an educated guess.
- Yes, fair point, we might be responsible somewhat.
- Well then, I will need to be compensated somewhat,
I've lost a day's worth of takings thanks to you.
- And sorry, what's the nature
of your relationship with this Gloria?
- Oh, don't, I wish I knew, we're dating,
well, we've been on a few dates,
some kissing with tongues and fondling,
no intercourse as yet, hoping that's on the cards.
We're not offuzial, but I think we are exclusive,
does that answer your question?
- I just meant is she your neighbour?
- Oh, yes, sorry, she's our neighbour.
- Thank you, got there eventually.
Carry on then, what happened next?
- Nothing, that was it, we decided to pack it in,
call it a day, end of.
- Hey, no, hang on a minute,
we're splitting it seven ways now?
- Yeah, Marcus didn't tell me
about the huge number of shareholders either.
- I am sorry, but your pipe is fucked,
it's gonna take 200 denarii for me to fix it.
- Right, and would you accept payment in buried treasure?
- Yes, okay. - Make that eight ways.
- The plumbefs in now, seriously?
- No. - If we get it up to 'IO,
the maths will be way easier.
- Okay, no, this is bullshit,
new system, every man for himself,
no more splitting, finders keepers.
- Like I've been saying all along.
- Now hang on. - Yeah, I like it,
let's do it. - Well, no,
we should work together.
Alright, fine, let's dig.
(bell ringing) - Let the dig begin!
Again!
(cheerful ska music)
- Yeah, we just turned in, went to bed
having learned some valuable lessons
about archaeology and plumbing
and most importantly that crime doesn't pay.
- A story with a moral, excellent.
- Yeah, so seeing as there's no more dirt to dig as it were,
are we free to go?
- Not quite yet, I'm afraid.
I've brought your colleague, Aurelius
in for a quick chat first.
- Aurelius?
No, no, he's a gimp and a chump,
don't talk to him.
- Well, I'll tell him you said hi.
(cheerful ska music)
- I want to speak to my lawyer.
- Do you have a lawyer?
- Hm, touché, okay, forget that, you listen to me,
if you think I'm gonna rat out my best buds,
you're dreaming, I'd die for those guys,
not the little one, sure, he's odd,
but Marcus and Jason are like brothers to me.
- Oh really, the same Marcus and Jason,
who describe you as an irrelevant nob head,
big gimp and a chump?
- Alright, I'll talk, but you need to protect me,
we're talking new job, new wife, new haircut.
- Okay, I mean, you don't need us for that one.
- New house then.
- Just tell me what happened after you fixed the pipe.
- Okay, well it's safe to say
it was complete and utter chaos.
(cheerful ska music)
- Hey, stop flinging your dirt in my hole!
- Well, it's gotta go somewhere, hasn't it?
- Shove it in your gob then, I'm ladling for two here.
- Get your hands off my pile! - Your pile?
- Everything east of the handle is mine.
- Oh, this is some crap compensation.
- Yes, from now on I'm cash in hand only.
- I made no guarantees,
you both knew the risk when you signed up.
- All I've found so far is a bit of old bread.
- Go on then, pass it here.
' W“. mow,!
- Stale, but not unpleasantly so.
(knocking on door)
- Bloody hell, what time is it?
We can't open up like this.
- [Daedalus] Hello there!
Anybody m?
- No, and we're closed anyway.
- [Daedalus] I'm not a customer,
it's Daedalus Greco from the museum.
(cheerful ska music)
- Hang on, he came to the bar?
- Oh, you didn't know that?
Well, well, well, if you want any more out of me,
let's talk relocation.
- Okay, have you had any thoughts about where you might--
- Sicily, where I'd like to run a fish stand
on the beach with my olive-skinned wife,
I just sell the fish, I'm not catching it,
maybe I'm in a loose partnership with a local fisherman
or something, I don't know, that's for you to figure out.
Ooh, and I'm changing my name to Raoul.
Raoul, R-A-O.
- So you did see Daedalus again?
- Don't listen to Aurelius. - He's confused.
- And lying and probably a paedo, let's be honest.
- Maybe, but he's gonna sing like a canary
8S SOON 8S I HQTGE
to his bizarre witness protection demands,
so why don't you make life easier for all of us
and come clean right now?
- Alright, fair dos, we'll fess up.
- What, hang on, will we?
- So we did see the geeky boffin again.
- [Daedalus] Hello there,!
Anybody m?
- No, and we're closed anyway.
- [Daedalus] I'm not a customer,
it's Daedalus Greco from the museum.
(door opening)
(cheerful ska music)
(footsteps approaching)
- Hello, Professor Greco, what a lovely surprise.
- I'm sorry to barge in,
but I have some information aboutyourfind.
- [Marcus] Fantastic, can we discuss it outside maybe?
- You're digging. - No, no.
- Without a licence. - No.
We're not digging, this is an early morning
underground soil therapy programme.
No, okay, we are digging.
- Well, it's not only illegal, it's also utterly pointless.
- Pointless, why's it pointless?
- The rest of the set to which this brooch belongs
has been traced to a dig on the far side of the city.
Evidently it was stolen from there,
then dropped by the thief in your bar.
There's no tomb down there, I'm afraid.
'Uh!
- Terrific, thank you, we must do this again sometime.
- And given that it's stolen property,
the brooch is no longer rightfully yours.
- But finders keepers. - Oh, new you're into it.
- I'm taking it with me, I'm afraid.
- Marcus, stop him! - Get your hands off it,
you old git, it's ours!
- And that's when shit turned nasty.
- Nasty, in what way?
- Well, the boffin whupped his arse, didn't he?
Strong as an 0x, he were,
probably from a lifetime of digging.
He knocked him to the floor, spat on his face,
stamped on his balls and Marcus was like,
"No, please help, I'm so very weedy."
- He whupped your arse, did he,
this 70-year old history professor?
- Ah-huh, he whupped my arse good,
it was an old school arse whupping.
- Then he picked up the brooch,
sort of cackled like a baddie and said,
"I'm gonna flog it somewhere far off like Egypt or summat
"and if you ever breathe a word of this,
"I'll come back and gut you in your beds."
That's why we haven't told you till now.
- And you concur with this?
- I can, I can cur, what's cur mean?
- You confirm that this is what happened?
- I can, yeah, I can firm that.
- Okay, wait here, I need to report this to my super.
- I'm taking it with me, I'm afraid.
- Marcus, stop him! - Get your hands off it,
you old git, it's ours!
- No, please, it belongs in a museum,
future generations need to learn about the past.
- Oh, of course they fucking don't!
- Argh! (metal clanking)
(slow ska music)
- You alright?
Mate?
- I doubt it, bastards dead.
- Ah,
Dead-alus.
(cheerful ska music)
- Amazingly your story checks out.
Amara
I mean, yeah, well it would seeing as it's true.
- We got a positive ID on a vehicle
belonging to Professor Greco parked by the port of Ostia
and there was a boat ticket bought in his name
first thing this morning to Egypt.
We'll try and catch up with him, bring him to justice,
but the brooch will belong gone by then.
- Oh, that's a shame, it were a Iovley bit of bling that.
- His colleagues insist he's a selfless,
passionate historian, well, I guess he fooled us all.
Anyway, you're free to go. - Oh.
- I'll let the unlicensed dig slide this time,
but don't do it again.
- No, no, definitely not.
- And you can take your shitty old coin with you.
(cheerful ska music)
- And we never talk about this ever again, okay.
- We might not talk again full stop.
- And I was tucked up in my bed all night, weren't I, son?
- Course you were, Mum.
- I'm just a plumber.
- I mean, he was wrong
about there not being a tomb down there.
- I wasn't serious about the witness protection thing
by the way, guys, I mean, for one thing,
my life here is just too damn sweet to give up.
- So obvious question,
but what the fuck just happened in there?
- I know, how lucky was that?
That his cart was by the port
and he got a boat to Egypt after he died.
That's pretty weird actually.
- Yeah, I sorted it. - What?
Marathi?
- Ah, I figured we'd need a cover story,
so I let Landlord keep the brooch
in exchange for his clean up service,
moving the boffin's cart, buying a ticket, what have you.
- Oh, nice one, that is pretty good thinking actually.
- So hang on, you've been sitting on that story all along?
- Yeah, what's your point?
- Well, why didn't you tell her right away,
rather than letting us get interrogated for hours on end?
- I was enjoying the biscuits.
(cheerful ska music)
# Hear me calling #
# Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah #
# Baby, get ready #
# Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah #
# Hear me calling #
# I came, I saw, I conquered #
# Can I conquer you #
$mm$
# I came, I saw, I conquered #
# Can I conquer you, yeah #